Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
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From a Southwest Airlines employee.. “There may
be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane.”
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Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising
altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land.. it’s a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
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After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta
Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
*
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!”
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After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
“Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome
aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat-belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat-belt
and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more.
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“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines.”
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“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and
in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments.”
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“As you exit the plane, please make sure to
gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
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“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
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From the pilot during his welcome message: “We
are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry..
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!”
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: ”Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your
seat-belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the
gate!”
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Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than
perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal.”
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane. She said: ”Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the
pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said: “Did we land or were we shot
down?”
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal.”
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Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival
announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways."
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On arriving at London's Heathrow Airport, the
pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that we have
arrived on time since, owing to a stroke of luck, we managed to find the
airport at the first attempt."
-- Author Unknown
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